im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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