I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
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You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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