you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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