she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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