Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
