He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
