you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
