i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
