you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
