dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
