1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
