tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
