i barfeds in our rink
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
