I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
