What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
