My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
