at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
