The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
