She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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