did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
