I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
