Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
