we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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