you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
