Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
