Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
