I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
