I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
