he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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