I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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