So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He shit in the fireplace
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
