I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
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She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
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I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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