a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
