I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
