I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
