So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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