At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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