Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
