Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i've created a new STD.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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