I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
