he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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