The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
