i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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