you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
