i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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