note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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