My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
