I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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