he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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