The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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