i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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