when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
