just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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