This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
